A long awaited update

WAAAAAY back in August I wrote a post called Mama I’m coming Home and then in September I wrote 2 posts (Punk Writer and Guitar Boys and New Boy No Show) where I talked about this guy, and now 6 months later I’m going to give you an update. I’m not going to give a big recap, so if that’s what you’re looking for there are 3 handy links that you can reference. Of course they are all hilarious so they’re worth a visit. The short recap: This is the guy that used to come in all the time when I was waitressing many moons ago.

ANYWAY so last Friday when BlkSkinnyJeans and I were out we ran into him. (I was sort of thinking this was a possibility) so we talked about how he didn’t make it to the show in September and he said he was hoping I would show up at the store again (yeah like I was going to do that after being sort of stood up) and he said that he was hoping to see me the last time the band where I first ran into him was playing (but I was at home for the holiday insanity) and then he said that he was hoping I’d show up at this show. All good things right?

Then he went out for a smoke and I didn’t see him again until after the show. So the show ends and I’m not going to lie I sort of ran after him (well walked fast to catch up to him) and I asked him to do a shot with me. So he hemmed and hawed and said he shouldn’t because he had to drive, but then he said he’d just leave an hour later. Again, good sign right? Sorta changing his plans for me. So we do a shot. I let him choose and he picked Jamieson’s. (I know it’s like I have a magnet to people who drink Jamieson’s) and then we talked for a bit. All good.

After about 15 mins he asked me to go for a smoke and since I couldn’t find BlkSkinnyJeans anywhere I figured outside was a good place to look. So we go outside and the three of us are chatting (and I’m not going to lie I was flirting a little bit) and this other guy came over and joined the conversation. It was fun but colder than jesus and BlkSkinnyJeans weighs about 11 pounds and was starting to shiver like a crack addict  who’d lost her pipe, so over the shoulder I whispered “okay I’m just going to close this deal” to her then told him he should call me. He agreed (good sign right?) and I gave him my number.

He left and we went to the Dominion to have another beer.

Here’s the kicker. He hasn’t called. No seriously. Hasn’t called. Can you believe that? WTF? What makes it worse is he told me he’s playing tomorrow night, and he told me where he’s playing but he never said “you should come” or anything even remotely along those lines. So he even has a good reason to call. He could call and ask me to go to the show. But he hasn’t and it’s now it’s pretty obvious (since it’s 11PM the night before the show) that it’s too late and chance are pretty fuckin good he’s not going to. ARRRGH. Did I mention I looked pretty fan-fucking-tastic that night? I’m talking boobs pushed up to my chin, short skirt, great hair,  fantastic so I don’t know what to say.

So I can’t explain it. BlkSkinnyJeans says he’s not ready. She thinks I’ll hear from him in another 6 months…

As updates go this one is not so great, but that’s what all I got. Sigh.

Old Groupie Crush

Note: This is a very silly post about a very old crush. You’re going to think a 14 year old girl wrote it and well that’s fine I don’t really care. But you’ve been warned and if you don’t like silly posts about old crushes you should just skip this one.

I’ve been going to see bands in bars since I was 15 and realized the Doctor’s Hotel in Belleville didn’t ask for ID. Live local music has always been one of my weaknesses which obviously translates to musicians being another. And for whatever reason I seem to have the biggest soft spot for drummers. I keep trying to break away but they’re like crack for some reason! ANYWAY, so many moons ago there was a local band that friends and I (including my live drummer boyfriend at the time) used to go see A LOT like every time they played, and of course I had a little bit of a crush on the drummer. It was chaste of course – I did have my very own drummer at home and I’m way to lazy to be a cheater.

Anyway so the band broke up and that was pretty much that. Though I do have a CD that I still play in my spin classes… Years go by and of course several other band crushes occur.

Friday night BlkSkinnyJeans and I go to see a show and we’re watching one of the opening bands and I’m looking at the drummer and all of a sudden I realize it’s the drummer I had a crazy crush on all those year’s ago. So I say to BlkSkinnyJeans “OMG is that the drummer from ___________” and she says “I’m not sure. That was a long time ago” The set ends and he comes off the stage and I’m looking at him trying to figure out if it’s him. And of course I’m all butterfly-ie for no good reason of course.

Then BlkSkinnyJeans goes to the bathroom which sucked cause I don’t have a witness for what happened next (you’re just going to have to take my word for it). I’m standing there watching her purse and he actually walks over to me! And I’m seeing him walk over and I’m all shaky like a school girl. So this is what he says:

Old drummer crush: “Hey I know you.”
Me: “Ummm well not really, I used to be a big fan of ___________.”
Old drummer crush: “There’s no way you’re old enough to have been a _______ fan.”
Me: unintelligible blather and possibly a giggle.
Old drummer crush: “I’m (and here I cut him off)
Me: “I know who you are {first name}, {first name} {last name}”.
Old drummer: “Yeah, that’s right, (laugh) You were someone’s girlfriend right? Sorry I don’t remember your name.”
Me: “Yeah {first name last} and I’m LeftWalker.
Old drummer: “Wow you’re hot.”
Me: unintelligible blather and definitely a giggle.

And then he ends it with “Well I’ll stop bugging you”.

And he walks away. And the BlkSkinnyJeans comes back and I’m all giggly and telling her about it, it was pretty funny, like I just ran into Martin Gore or something. But I’m not going to lie, the closing line was kind of a turn off. One of the things I like about the musicians is they tend to be cocky sons of bitches.

So that was pretty much that, I didn’t pursue it – I follow the old philosophy that old crushes are best left as crushes cause the reality is always so very disappointing.

He did come up to me at the end of the night and comment on my skirt. (Fuck buying that dog pile skirt was the best $90 I’ve ever spent. Boys just love it. ) He did not make any sort of conversation that would lead to any sort of future meeting but as I’ve already said, crushes are best left as crushes.

The whole thing was pretty funny though and made me feel good – god it’s been so long since I’ve flirted with a boy I was starting to forget how freakishly good looking I am!

Thursday’s child has far to go

It’s Thursday night and Friday night seems a million miles away. Maybe it’s because there is so much I have to do:

1.   Remember to get my laundry out of the dryer. (Which means walking all the way to the basement door (at least 15 feet,  then going down, AND THEN back up about 10 stairs.)
2. Fold it.
3. Put the garbage bag that is in my living room in the garbage can on my porch. (Don’t get all judge-y, it’s only been there about 20 mins.
4. Get up, get ready, and go to work (that should really be three separate numbers).
5. Get through work without hurting anyone, or hurting myself to avoid hurting anyone. (I’ve found slamming your hand in a desk drawer a couple of times is a fantastic deterrent to punching people. No really, it works great.

But after all that I get to come home, get ready and then, THEN I get to drink myself silly at two of my favourite establishments. And jesus christ do I need that. Seriously it’s been a rough month and I’m about one:

• passive aggressive email
• top priority
• stupid question
• unrealistic deadline

away from losing my shit. And if any of you are sitting there shaking your heads and saying “drinking doesn’t solve anything” well my response to you is “you’re just not doing it right”!

BTW the blog’s been re-skinned for a couple of days now, and I’m dying to know what you think. (Ok not really) but vote any way!

Painting Queen

To the tune of dancing queen of course

Wow this week is ripping by and not because of all the insane bad girl stuff I’ve been doing - no mostly cause of the painting. Yep spent a good portion of the last couple of days helping Miss Sarah paint her apartment and yes if you think you’ve heard me say that before well you have. But it’s a great big apartment! At this point 3 of the 4 colours are left over paint from my place so if I didn’t feel at home over there before, well I really do now!

Place looks great though, its amazing how a coat of paint changes a place. And of course the colours are fabulous if I do say so myself

In other news, BlkSkinnyJeans and I (and the rest of the  marketing department of course) are officially in the new location. It’s weird it’s like starting a new job but if you brought all of the people and all of the work with you. I keep getting lost on the way to the bathroom. I’m hoping that stops soon. Oh and the bathrooms are weird. First of all the locks on the stall doors all go the wrong way so there’s that moment of panic when you try to get out. AND the toilets are the kind without the tank – sorta like at the mall – so I keep having the uncontrollable urge to flush with my foot. I don’t, but I think about it a lot. Probably too much… Ok definitely too much.

Jesus christ I hope I have something more interesting to write about soon…

The going away party

Wow this could be the dullest weekend I’ve since I had the Norwalk virus in 2002, and at least that included the nail-biting suspense of trying to guess which orifice was going to spew next.

The worst part is I wasn’t expecting a quiet weekend, I thought there was going to be all kinds of things going on, it was Mel’s birthday, Jeff and Tonya were in town, BlkSkinnyJeans was making “let’s paint the town” noises so I was getting ready for a bit of a hoopla. And it started out all fast-paced, cause when I got home from work on Friday the hillbilly was already in front of my place waiting to take me to my sister’s going away party. I barely had time to drop my laptop and change out of my work clothes before I was on the move again.

I didn’t even have time to pick up anything for the potluck. I was a little embarrassed about that at first and then I realized this was a going away party for my sister, so chances are in the 90 to 100% range that I would never lay eyes on any of the people there ever again, so I really didn’t care if they thought I was a douche for showing up empty handed.

This was quite the party, first of all pretty much everyone there was French and even though they all:

1. Spoke English and
2. Knew I didn’t speak French

They still decided there was nothing wrong with speaking French pretty much the entire time I was there. That was fun.

Some other things that made this an interesting event:

1. There were 3 toddlers – one of whom was my niece who is a beautiful child but quite possibly the biggest cranky pants that ever toddled.
2. Oh and the chihuahuah running around and barking at every little thing.
3. Oh and none of them drink so there was no booze. No seriously not even wine or spritzers, they didn’t even have a bottle of booze that someone gave them for Christmas and they forgot about. Believe me I asked.
4. And obviously there were no single boys there. Or even any cute married boys.

So I did the only thing I could do, I helped with the cooking, the setting up, the clearing, and I washed the dishes. I was like that old maid aunt who makes herself useful so she’ll get invited back next year.

BUT my sister brought some of her tofu and it is amazing, she buys these tofu cakes in Chinatown and puts them in a bag of water and then freezes them, then somehow through the miracle of science when they thaw the tofu becomes sort of spongy – it almost looks like bread that’s been cut up for stuffing – and it’s just amazing. The best part – no one else would eat it so I brought the leftovers home. See silver lining.

I made it home by 10:00 and I was exhausted, and since I thought I was going to be doing a bunch of things Saturday night I put on my jammies, grabbed my book and went to bed.

Unfortunately other than the Book Bazaar and Hartman’s that’s the only time I was out this whole weekend.

 Say it with me Bleeders – LOSER!

Inanimate object love

OK I’m going to let you know right off the bat that this post is not about my having sex with dildos or objects of any kind, so if that’s what you’re looking for you sick fuck you’re going to have to look elsewhere. (I recommend www.slutload.com) nope this is just a plain old list of some things that I am currently enamoured with.

1. The keyboard on my new laptop. OMG I didn’t even realize there was a perfect keyboard until I brought my new laptop home with me tonight. It is perfect. What makes it perfect you ask? Well the keys are the perfect weight and with the perfect feeling when you press them, and the keys are coated with the most amazing plastic that feels like I’m running my fingers over silk. Purrrr y’know what? I’m getting a little turned on as I’m typing this, hmmm maybe this post is about sex with inanimate objects… not sure how I would actually have sex with my keyboard though. Maybe I should google that. Wait a second.

Okay I’m back. Very unsatisfying search all that came up was stuff about touching yourself while typing.

2. Really hot tim horton’s coffee. I actually told Miss Sarah not to talk to me for a few minutes after we stopped at Timmy’s cause I needed some quiet time to make love to my coffee. This only works when its really hot though. When I get coffee in the morning with BlkSkinnyJeans the coffee has cooled down enough by the time I get to work and start drinking it that it loses all of its sex appeal. While this might sound like a bad thing its actually not since I imposed my strict no more sex at work rule. Okay guideline.

3. Okay this one isn’t a new thing, I’ve sort of been going on about it for awhile. I’m sure that’s enough information for a lot of you to know I’m talking about my “World’s best cleavage” Victoria Secret bras. I just can’t stop talking about them. In fact I’m going to go put the black one on right now. Wait a second.

Okay I’m back. Now I have the enjoyment of looking down my own shirt while I write this. Thank jesus I know how to touch type. All you finger lookers out there are missing out on this particular multi-tasking.

4. The salad I had for lunch today. Yes I know I have a salad for lunch pretty much every day, but this was not your typical lettuce and assorted veg type salad, this one took imagination, and prepping and the stove. Are you ready for it? First I steamed brussel sprouts, while they were cooking I put some sesame oil in a frying pan and once it was hot added garlic and raisons (sultana not thompson cause I’m not made of money). At the same time I was roasting a red pepper in the oven (also lightly coated with sesame oil). When the brussel sprouts were steamed I cut them in half, added them to the fying pan with some soya sauce. I put it all together and put it in tupperware over night. Then at lunch, right before eating it I topped it with sunflower seeds. OMG it was fan-fucking-tastic. You should all run to the store right now and make this. I’ll wait.

I was hoping to do 5 cause its such a nice list number (2nd only to 10). But there is nothing else I’m in love with right now and if I added something I only like a lot the integrity of this whole post would be comprimised.

Subscribe Now

I’m so excited! I finally have a sign up form like on the other blog where you can enter your email and receive notifications when I’ve overcome my extreme laziness and added a new post! It’s on the right so subscribe, subscribe, subscribe!

P.S.
I can’t believe I didn’t get a single comment on my shaving kiwi post. Seriously Bleaders that stuff is gold! You just don’t know funny…

Do I have a Syndrome?

Is there a syndrome or disease  you can get where the symptoms include hurting yourself constantly? Specifically hurting you hands? Cause if there is – I think I have that.

I tried to Google it but I kept getting results about cutting and self mutilation no matter what words I typed in. Oh and one site about how to shave your testicles without hurting yourself. Which was very informative – if I had testicles I could cross learning how to shave them off my list, cause now I know. Though I kept thinking it was going to say something about practicing on kiwis cause don’t you think that would be the perfect testicle shaving practice tool? Seriously if you can shave the fuzz off a kiwi without breaking the skin I think you’re good to move on to the boys.

ANYWAY – this post is NOT about shaving testicles. This post is about my syndrome or hand hurting disease. Hey maybe it doesn’t have a name. Maybe they’ll name it after me! Like Lou Gehrig’s disease: Leftwalker’s Disease – that sounds pretty cool. Though to be realistic if they were going to name any syndrome Leftwalker it would probably have something to do with my having to walk on the left, and not the hand hurting thing.

I bet by this point you’re dying to know what in the world I’ve done to my hands recently, well here’s a list – tell me if you don’t think there might be more here than simple clumsiness:

• First my straighter burned the side of my left ring finger. Like really burned, like multiple (ok 2) blisters and Freddy Krueger shiny burn.
• Then my razor got itself out of its case and sliced through my right ring finger.
• Next my screen door slammed itself on my left index finger and ripped off about a 1/2 inch a skin.

Hey wait a minute – I’m starting to think I don’t have a syndrome! (whew) - I think my possessions are trying to kill me! OMG it all makes sense! Look at my list – straightener, razor, screen door… they’re in cahoots to engineer my demise! Fuck I hope my bed’s not in on it cause I’ll be too scared to sleep. Do exorcists do houses or just people? Hmmm I just got the new yellow pages, I wonder what section house exorcist is under…

Happy 1/2 Birthday to Me!

Today is my half birthday. Some other big things also happened on this day:

- Jeff and Tonya were married
- Churchill died
- The Eskimo Pie was patented
- 1st reported case of AIDS transmitted by hetero oral sex
- Jackie Robinson inducted to the baseball hall of fame

All in all a pretty big day in the world. And a pretty big day for me. I didn’t get any cake but I did get 2 happy 1/2 birthday texts and one phone call that included a Happy 1/2 birthday song. Oh and a Kettleman’s bagel and a really cool card. Not bad for a completley made up event. BTW don’t feel sorry for me about the cake thing – I was offered cake but I said no.

Makes me happy that over the years I’ve been able to bring so many other people into my delusion.

Copyright Note: While I would love to take all the credit myself, Caro is the co-inventor or half birthday celebrations. 1/2 of all proceeds raised does go to her!

I have another crazy cough. It is super duper sexy. And it makes it really hard to sleep. Though as I said (well texted) to BlkSkinnyJeans at least I don’t have a sore throat or a fever, nope just the cough. Oh and a runny nose. Also super duper sexy. I’ve used about 4 boxes of kleenex this weekend. Though to be honest I did use some of them in The Papery today to clean up after Miss Sarah droppped her coffee while trying to take a picture of a greeting card. Yes we are the reason for stores having those “no food or drink allowed signs”.

Shiny Object Rant: Okay that Emma kid in the mini van commercial? I want to punch the rest of her teeth out. How fucking annoying is that commercial and how fucking glad are you that annoying kid is not yours? Cause I have to say if I were her mother and had to wake up every day and pretend she’s didn’t bug the fuck out me it wouldn’t be too long before there was one of those murder suicide scenarios. I hate that kid.

Okay that’s all I got, big kisses to all of you who helped me make this such a special day!

A post about nothing

I’ve been sitting here trying to think of something to write and I really have nothing! How lame is that? Some things this could mean:

-  I’m just a little tired from a closing bars 2 nights in a row and it’s inhibiting my creativity.

-  Like with eggs, I was born with only a certain amount of funny and I’ve used mine up.

-  My life is no longer interesting even to myself.

- I’ve become full on depressed due to lack of contact with male  genitalia. Hey wouldn’t that be funny? Then I could say things like “I’m not slutty, I’m only fucking you to keep my sense of humour in top gear.” Y’know what? I just might have to say that at some point anyway.

Or maybe I just need a reboot of some sort. Cause it’s not like there isn’t good material from this weekend.

-  I ran into GFB this weekend and had some drinks with him and some of his friends (no I didn’t bang him).

-  Miss Sarah and I went out on Friday and hilarity ensued.

- Saturday was BlkSkinnyJeans B day and  there was a lot of blog fodder there. For example, I gave the waitor at Oz a bit of a hard time. (When I asked him for more info on the seafood special he described it as “fish”)

And that’s just my top 3. I haven’t even mentioned, the grocery store story, breakfast at the pump, etc. etc. But nope, just don’t have what it takes to write any of it down. So I suck and so this is a post about nothing. Hopefully I’ll get my mojo back soon, cause not only am I hurting myself – I’m also hurting all of you. *sniff*